While Kitty orders a full meal of eggs, turkey sausage, toast, and tea.
"That is an accurate summary, yes. And a lot is going through my brain. I thought marrying Piotr was the right thing to do after all of this time. Like we were just delaying the inevitable. I did have unspoken reservations. Things between him and me--it's like a dance he and I always find ourselves in." She knits her brows. "Which is different from you and I. You and I have never been in a rut. While me and Piotr, we are just two people who try to do what we think people expect us to do and yet always seem unhappy and dissatisfied with the results." There, she said it. "It was a whole lot easier when he was dead. I could let him go." She presses her lips together. "But to be up there, hearing the vows. It was surreal. And my entire being was screaming no, this isn't right. This isn't what I want. For twenty years I have been 'his Katya' and no. I don't want to be anymore. Neither of us really know what the other is about. But what I do know, truthfully, I've never been the person he wanted. And I'm okay with that."
She smiles softly at first but the smile starts to grow. "And you're really the only person I can talk with about this. You know the history, you've seen me and you've seen him at our worsts." Piotr was lucky she didn't murder him for the beating he gave to Pete. "You--I don't know why or how, but you've always let me be me with no expectations." She thanks the waiter for her tea and adds cream and sugar. "I know why I reacted the way I did with you, all of those years ago. I was so scared of fucking up one of the best things in my life that I fucked it up. What has happened between me and Piotr is not the same."
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2018-09-24 02:57 pm (UTC)"That is an accurate summary, yes. And a lot is going through my brain. I thought marrying Piotr was the right thing to do after all of this time. Like we were just delaying the inevitable. I did have unspoken reservations. Things between him and me--it's like a dance he and I always find ourselves in." She knits her brows. "Which is different from you and I. You and I have never been in a rut. While me and Piotr, we are just two people who try to do what we think people expect us to do and yet always seem unhappy and dissatisfied with the results." There, she said it. "It was a whole lot easier when he was dead. I could let him go." She presses her lips together. "But to be up there, hearing the vows. It was surreal. And my entire being was screaming no, this isn't right. This isn't what I want. For twenty years I have been 'his Katya' and no. I don't want to be anymore. Neither of us really know what the other is about. But what I do know, truthfully, I've never been the person he wanted. And I'm okay with that."
She smiles softly at first but the smile starts to grow. "And you're really the only person I can talk with about this. You know the history, you've seen me and you've seen him at our worsts." Piotr was lucky she didn't murder him for the beating he gave to Pete. "You--I don't know why or how, but you've always let me be me with no expectations." She thanks the waiter for her tea and adds cream and sugar. "I know why I reacted the way I did with you, all of those years ago. I was so scared of fucking up one of the best things in my life that I fucked it up. What has happened between me and Piotr is not the same."